It's Fiction
by VioletStella
Summary: Carolyn returns to Schooner Bay after being away for 30 years.
1. Chapter 1

This started out as one scene and turned into an epic. It pushed itself ahead of two other major story arcs, and as it fits into neither one of those, it is a stand alone fic. There is actually very little in here that is M; but the parts that are; really are. If there ever were such a weekend I would be the first one there wearing Carolyn's fabulous dressing gown from "The Ghost of Christmas Past". Special thanks to all those who have posted episodes on Youtube.

Hope you enjoy.

Thursday, September 23, 1999

Carolyn Muir finished packing, once again wondering why she was putting herself through this. It was a bad idea; she should have stuck to her original answer of no, but there were so many fans who wrote to her begging her to come to this special event. 'Just come this once', they wrote and 'we will never ask you again'. 'It's such a special event, the 25th anniversary of the publication of "The Ghost and Mrs. Matthews", having you there would make it even more special.'

Why did she ever write that damn book in the first place? Worse, why did she ever have it published? She should have burned that drivel the second she finished it.

"You ready, mom?"

Not really, but she didn't think she'd ever be ready for this. She looked at her daughter with fear in her eyes, "I don't know if I can do this."

"You can't back out now there are too many people depending on you. You don't want to disappoint them, do you?"

She'd already disappointed too many people in her life so she shook her head and picked up a suitcase. "Maybe he won't even be there anymore. Maybe he left because of all the tourists. I mean, you know he never liked being around a lot of people." Deep down she knew that wasn't so and that part of this weekend would be confronting the gaping hole in her soul. Resigned to her fate she and Candy left the house for the journey from Philadelphia back to Schooner Bay.

Carolyn hadn't set foot in Schooner Bay for almost 30 years. When she arrived she was amazed by how much the town embraced the book and catered to the tourists it brought in. Everywhere she looked merchandise was crammed into every available space. The Lobster House had "Ghost and Mrs. Matthews" specials: The Captain's Cut; Beverly's Seafood Delight; The Captain's and Beverly's Surf & Turf for two. The over-commercialization of Schooner Bay saddened her. She'd always loved the town for its serenity and now she had single-handedly turned it into a tourist trap. The residents didn't seem to mind though; they welcomed her back and thanked her for keeping their economy intact.

No one was happier for this booming economy than Claymore. After the first reader had come to him looking for 'the real' Bayside Cottage (as Carolyn had christened it in the book) he turned the house into a museum, with a very large gift shop. The Captain resisted this at every turn; but every time he tried to scare away workers Claymore just mentioned page 237. The Captain was frustrated by this; he would have to bring up that dance, wouldn't he? So Claymore got his gold mine consisting of t-shirts, cookbooks, ship replicas and anything he could slap a 'Two Hearts Separated By Time, But United in Love' slogan on. Claymore cut down on breakables bearing that slogan as somehow many mugs, plates and glasses wound up broken. Carolyn had yet to see it, so she was momentarily spared rolling her eyes over the cheesiness of it.

The Captain started spending more time away from the Cottage. Jonathan had moved back to Schooner Bay as soon as he could after college, so the Captain spent time with him and his family. They had kept up a correspondence from almost the moment the Muirs had left Gull Cottage; with Candy and Jonathan coming up for a week every summer to visit Martha as she had instantaneously quit the moment Mrs. Muir announced they were moving back to Philadelphia. Martha never really understood Mrs. Muir's reasons for leaving, as she had never given a reason no matter how many times Martha asked. Martha had decided that Mrs. Muir may desert the Captain, but she would not.

The occasional tourist tracked down Jonathan to find more answers regarding the novel. He avoided the attention as much as possible, having come back to Schooner Bay to get away from his mother. That was an irony he tried not to examine. He had never truly forgiven her for leaving the Captain. Knocks on the door were met by a polite but firm, "I'm sorry, Mr. Muir has no comment on his mother's work."

Carolyn wasn't comfortable about returning to Schooner Bay; she truly believed she'd never be back here. It was so familiar; but so distant at the same time. Sometimes she wondered if she had ever lived here at all; and sometimes she tried to make herself believe she just imagined everything, right down to the Captain. She mentally chastised herself for coming on this folly. The whole trip up she felt as though each mile that slipped away brought her closer to disaster. What was the first rule of drama? It's when the chickens come home to roost. Her chickens were definitely roosting.

Claymore was driving Carolyn and Candy around town. Carolyn cringed and put her hand to her head when she saw the "Welcome Ghosties" banner along Main Street. She knew the book was popular but she had no idea things were this bad. At least, she reflected they hadn't started renaming the streets to Gregg Boulevard or any other such nonsense. That's all she needed, an intersection of Gregg Boulevard and Matthews Lane." No; just, no.

Claymore pulled her out of these thoughts, "we are going to the cemetery, I want you to see the effect your book has had there."

"The cemetery? Claymore that's terrible." She'd never gone there while they lived here; she wasn't going to go now.

"Why is it terrible that people want to remember him, mom?"

Carolyn had no answer for that and Claymore added that if they skipped the cemetery they were headed straight for Gull Cottage. Wanting to avoid that as long as possible, Carolyn very reluctantly voted for the cemetery.

Claymore had had the Captain's headstone cleaned up and repaired. Carolyn surprised herself by getting out of the car and walking over to it. There were roses strewn all over the ground. She looked up at Claymore, he answered; "a lot of women come here to…pay their respects; some of them get quite distraught." She raised her eyebrow and shook her head. "Perhaps I wrote him too well. Too over-romanticized. Really, aren't there any men alive on this planet that women…" She stopped, realizing that as she might as well throw her own florist's shop supply of roses on the ground; she had no right to judge anyone else.

"I think it's time to go."

They arrived at Gull Cottage. It was closed to tourists for the day; Claymore was letting them stay there. Carolyn would rather have stayed anywhere other than here; but everyplace else was booked up. Claymore reassured her that the Captain spent more time at Jonathan's house than here; a reality that hurt Carolyn deeply for several reasons. First that Jonathan would rather live here than near her; second for the pain she had caused him when he was a boy which led him to not invite them to stay at his house on this trip and third for the Captain wanting to spend time away from his own home.

Carolyn looked around; Claymore had kept the house very true to the way it was when she lived there. He took his leave, saying he would be back in the morning.

Candy stayed close by her mother; she wandered into the parlor; but refused to look at the portrait. "You know we met in this room."

"I know."

"It seems like a whole other lifetime or that it never happened at all. Maybe we should go and stay in Clearwater Cove. Just because Claymore hasn't seen him doesn't mean he's not here."

Candy silently noted that her mother had only referred to the Captain as 'him', not the Captain. She wondered if her mother had noticed that. It made her sad.

Carolyn had wandered back out to the foyer. Candy was worried, her mom seemed so unfocused. She took her hand and squeezed it; Carolyn turned around and smiled at her. "I'm all right Candy, really; just got lost in a few memories for a moment."

Candy didn't really believe this and her heart broke for both her mother and for the Captain, she knew they belonged together and she never really understood why they left the house in the first place. She was surprised to find herself crying.

"Candy, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry mom, it's just all so sad. Why couldn't the two of you work things out?"

"What was there to work out?"

"Everything…I don't know…to this day I wonder where things went wrong."

Carolyn led her daughter over to sit on the stairs.

"Candy, you are assuming there was a time when things were right. You always viewed us from very rose colored glasses. There was a painful side that you never knew. From your point of view we were living happily ever after. Honey, you are an adult now and you know that only exists in books."

Candy wanted to protest that but her mother continued, "I cared for him, I really did. He was very important to me in putting…," she had to pause to choose her next words very carefully. She couldn't say 'our family' because that would imply the Captain as part of the family as well; and as much as that had been true, she didn't want to admit it to Candy. "He was very important to me in healing after your father died; and he was a big help with you and Jonathan too."

"Oh mom, come on; you loved him and he loved you; we all saw it. Stop lying to yourself."

Carolyn pulled away and walked toward the front door. "You're seeing things that were never there."

Candy knew that her mother lived in a state of denial, but she had no idea it ran this deep.

"Christmas, mom."

Carolyn sighed and threw up her hands, they had been around this subject too many times and she was tired of it. She turned back to Candy, "it's time for me to tell you something. You've always wondered why we left here, and here's the whole truth. You know that for several months before leaving I had minimal contact with him. That stemmed from…the final straw. One day I realized that he was playing a perfect game. He could flirt and tease and he never had to commit to anything. It's like I was his project in 'toy with the affections of a mortal'. The more I thought about it the more I got angry. It was so cruel. Here I was mourning my husband and he used that to his advantage. I used to think I was the only woman on the planet with her heart in two graves."

"Mom…"

"I'm not done. Candy, almost from the moment we moved in here the Captain flirted with me mercilessly. Who wouldn't love that attention? I craved it. I was such a fool. Candy, it's true that for a while I was happy. He could be a very good companion at times. For someone with no experience at parenting he was wonderful with you two. I used to wonder how he was so good at that, I suspected it was from having to deal with shipboard crises.

The day we left was the day I finally acknowledged that what he said to me the night we met hadn't changed. I mean he didn't say it in so many words, but he had little respect for women. To him we were little bits of fluff to play with; not to be taken seriously. It wasn't easy to admit to myself that I meant nothing more to him than some long forgotten woman from his past. I know that you and Jonathan have never really forgiven me, but I had to make the choice to get us out of a situation that was damaging all of us."

"You're wrong mom, he adored you."

"Candy, you were looking at things from the outside in."

"Mom, you were engaged at Christmas."

Now she was losing patience. "You don't get it, do you? That was just another piece of his game. He just made us engaged. He never proposed."

"Well of course not, he had proposed before the dream started. Before he went off to sea."

Carolyn rubbed the back of her neck, "it wasn't sincere; it was an assumption."

"But you kissed, you wrote about it."

"It's fiction, Candy!"

"That part wasn't fiction, mom, I know that for a fact."

How Candy knew this for a fact Carolyn didn't want to think about; exasperated by her daughter she continued, "that just adds to the evidence, Candy. You've got your mark where you want her, why not make a little time with her."

"Make a little time, that's such an old fashioned phrase, mom."

"You know what I mean. He'd hardly be the first man to kiss a woman under false pretences."

Candy had heard enough, "I still think you're very wrong. I think you broke his heart when you left."

"Don't be absurd."

"You know mom, I used to hope that someday we would come back to Gull Cottage and that you two would make up. I'd guess you'd call that living through my rose colored glasses again. Now…I think maybe you never deserved him and that maybe he was better off after we left, at least he didn't have to waste his time with you anymore. Good night." She walked upstairs and went to bed leaving Carolyn very alone in the foyer.

She knew she should be angry about Candy's diatribe, but at this point she was too worn out from the past thirty years to care. She knew her experience with the Captain better than Candy did. She had always seen it from an adult point of view whilst Candy could only see the surface. She was secure in knowing that her conclusions were correct; it's what had sustained her through the past decades. Carolyn locked the door, turned out the lights and went to sleep in Martha's old room because she refused to sleep in the Captain's quarters.

It would be easy to think that the Captain had been nearby and heard this whole exchange, but he wasn't. He was at Jonathan's house, reflecting on the betrayal he had felt when the book came out. It was a day he remembered very well. Claymore had raced up to the Cottage with two copies; one for himself and one for Martha. To this day the Captain was shocked that Claymore pried open his wallet enough to pay for three books as he had purchased one for himself as well. He mused that by this point Claymore had been more than amply repaid.

They were gathered at the kitchen table along with Simon, Martha's spectral beau. Martha recognized the advantages of dating a ghost so she asked the Captain if he had any friends he could introduce her to. When Martha died, she and Simon moved on together. He could move along too; his name had been cleared long ago. He never looked too deeply into why he stayed; he knew the answer and had no reason to dwell on it.

He read the book; he would eventually read the book many times; it wasn't like he had a lot of other activities to occupy his time. After finishing the book for the first time he was furious. He was angry with her for taking his heart and exposing it for the world to see. She had rejected him and then wrote a book in which they spent eternity living happily ever after. He looked for nuances in her writing; clues to what was going on in her mind during their time together. It was a frustrating exercise as on the surface the book read as one long love letter; but if it was then why did she leave him? He'd never been able to come up with a satisfactory answer to that question. When the book became a phenomenon he took some solace in his popularity. He would even admit to being gratified by all the attention to his grave, it did give him some comfort.

The final sentence of the book plagued his consciousness: "Long after Beverly joined the Captain on the spectral side of the veil, visitors to Bayside Cottage swore they saw a couple waltzing in the front yard." He'd torn it apart, analyzing it from every angle he could. Was she projecting a time in their future when they could finally be together? Or was it just a throwaway line to appease the masses?

He vowed that this weekend he would finally get an answer as to why she had left him; and by way of obtaining that answer would drop by at the most inopportune moment.


	2. Chapter 2

Friday, September 24, 1999

Friday morning brought a deluge of Ghosties to the Cottage. The highlight of the day would be a question and answer session with Carolyn in the parlor. She once again wondered why she was putting herself through this; and how she had been talked into this in the first place. Rebecca, that's right. Rebecca had written her a heartfelt letter begging her to come saying it would mean so much to her. The book had meant so much to Rebecca that Carolyn couldn't say no to her request. So, here she was about to face a firing squad of questions.

The parlor had been filled with as many chairs as it could hold. Carolyn was seated near the fireplace with the Captain's portrait behind her, she supposed that was someone's idea of a charming photo op; the only comfort it gave her was that at least she didn't have to look at him.

The questions were trite: "How long did you live here?" "What do you think Captain Gregg would think of this book?" "How were you inspired to write the book?" So many times she had answered the same questions; certainly everyone in this room must know the answers from memory by now.

"Two and a half years." "The opinions of someone dead for well over a hundred years are really something I can't speculate." "Gull Cottage itself is very inspiring."

"Mrs. Muir, did you ever wish the Captain was real?"

"No, that would be a fruitless wish."

"Mrs. Muir, was the ghost real?"

"Of course not, the book is fiction."

"Liar," she heard a familiar disembodied voice say. No, it couldn't be, she had to be imagining him. She shook her head slightly to try and shoo away the voice and took the next question.

"You met the Captain in this room, yes?"

"Beverly met the Captain in this room. I never met the Captain, his having died 100 years before we moved here."

"How coolly you lie, Carolyn."

"Mrs. Muir did you ever have a séance here?"

"No."

"You are just as much of a fraud as she was."

Carolyn felt that comment was hitting below the belt, but she didn't have time to reflect on it as the conversation in the room was continuing.

"Mrs. Muir, I think the most romantic parts of the book were the weekly Madeira dates."

"Thank you, the best romance isn't champagne and flowers; but two hearts connecting." Everyone in the room agreed; except for a sarcastic, "how sweet" that lingered in her ear. She had to get him out of here; this could only end badly.

"I thought the most romantic part of the book was when the Captain got to dance with Beverly before the Centennial ball."

"Good old page 237," whispered Claymore to Candy at the back of the room, "it's helped me a lot throughout the years."

"For me it was the poem," was thrown from one corner of the room.

"No way, the Christmas dream was the most romantic part; they actually got a chance to kiss." This was greeted with approval applause by many women in the audience.

"I'd have to agree with the lady who voted for the Christmas dream", was the latest comment she tired to ignore. He would think that, wouldn't he? He must have been so proud of himself for that dream.

There was no way they were getting into an argument about the most romantic part of the book; not here, not now. Carolyn had to put a stop to it immediately. "Ladies, perhaps this discussion could be something tabled for later. Does anyone else have any other questions?"

"But Mrs. Muir, the romance is the best part."

"Really Carolyn, you should give them what they want." There was that voice again. She really needed to get out of this room and fast; suddenly it was very cramped and stuffy in here so she asked Candy to open a window.

"Mrs. Muir, do you think a ghost could really be that romantic?"

She rubbed her temple to ward off the headache that was starting to form, "I suppose that would depend on the ghost," came her muttered reply. She closed her eyes.

And that's when the copy of the book that had been sitting on the mantle just happened to fall to the floor. Carolyn didn't dare turn around because she just didn't want to know. Pandemonium was ensuing with several women declaring the Captain to be real.

"Ladies, it was just a gust of wind. The windows are open; there are a lot of drafts up here. Now could everyone please sit down or I am going to end this session."

Claymore and Candy surveyed the chaos. A satisfied smile grew across Candy's face. Vindication. Claymore leaned in and spoke sotto vocce, "I thought he might be around. I didn't think he would miss this chance."

"Mom has been more unsettled this morning than I thought she would be, I wonder how long he has been saying things only she can hear." She wanted to ignore her mother's look for help, but figured that getting the ladies settled down again would give the Captain more time to unsettle her mother. She went to pick up the book, as her mother seemed to think it was poisonous and wouldn't touch it and got the ladies back into their chairs. The whispered, 'good work, Captain; keep it up' as she put the book back on the mantle was heard by the only person meant to hear it.

"Who has the next question?"

A woman towards the windows raised her hand, "Was the orphan baby in the Christmas sequence a stand in for the child that Beverly and the Captain could never have?"

That was a stunner. Carolyn thought that one even managed to quiet the Captain. "That's certainly an interpretation I never thought of; so the answer is no."

"But we can see it that way if we want to, yes?"

"Sometimes a baby is just a baby; just a little something to add to the Christmas cheer."

"Maybe we couldn't have children, but it would have been fun to try." She closed her eyes, so much for his remaining quiet. He was not going to win this battle of wills; she had too much experience at this game. She opened her eyes and asked for the next question.

"Will you ever write an extended version with complete sex scenes?"

"Absolutely not." She must have turned ten shades of red and there was that throb at her temple again. For his part the Captain just laughed, she was a little relieved at that. The ladies all looked disappointed and Candy was holding her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

"I wouldn't mind reading those parts myself." So much for limiting himself to just laughing.

That was it. "Ladies, we are done for the day. I'm sorry; I seem to be getting a headache. Thank you for your time, I will see you later." And with that she withdrew from the room and headed upstairs. The ladies filed out of the house to explore the grounds and Claymore hoped, buy more merchandise. He had a whole line of special 25th anniversary souvenirs that had to be moved this weekend.

Candy followed her mother upstairs. "How long was he there?"

"I don't know, he started commenting about halfway through. You were really enjoying it all, weren't you?"

"Yes. I thought the book falling was a nice touch. That one will be going into con-lore. People will probably think we had it rigged to fall. It just adds to the mystique."

"Excuse me, I have had enough." She went up to the attic and threw open the door, then slammed it behind her. She belatedly thought that that would go into con-lore as well, 'the slamming door at Gull Cottage'. She didn't see him so she addressed the air.

"Captain, oh Captain; come out, come out wherever you are."

He materialized in front of her, "Who could resist such a charming invitation? Such a shame you brought the questions to such an abrupt end, I had so much more planned."

"I just bet you did. I don't suppose you gave any thought to them finding out you're real? They'd be camped out on the lawn, you'd never have any peace and quiet."

"I have had very little peace and quiet since your little bit of fiction; and I use that term very loosely, was published."

"Well, isn't it nice to be so popular?"

"You'd think so, but I feel more violated than popular."

"Violated is a very strong word."

"I'm not the one who used sacred moments as pulp novel fodder."

She was taken aback by that. She wasn't sure if she was upset more by his knock on her writing or the way he said 'sacred moments'. She hadn't considered that he would think of them as such.

"They were my moments too; I can use them as I wish."

"The poem wasn't, you had no right to use it."

"Do you want royalties?"

"Oh, very funny. What I want is for you to stop denying the truth."

"You want me to tell everyone you're real?"

He glared at her, "of course not. I want you to stop denying the truths you wrote about in your book."

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"How long are you going to keep this up, Carolyn?"

"Stop calling me Carolyn."

"I am so terribly sorry, Madam, I didn't know it offended you so."

"It's not that it offends me; it's just….nothing," she gave up. "I don't know why I even came up here except to say that it was pretty low of you to disrupt that session the way you did."

"I accomplished my goals, it was satisfying."

"So glad I am still the target of your games."

"A game? You thought I was playing a game today?"

"Today, thirty years ago, what difference does it make to you? You can do whatever you want; toy with people, hurt them and you never have to deal with any consequences."

"I'm afraid I am at a loss for words. When did I ever toy with you?"

"You toyed with me for two years until I finally put my foot down. I don't know what took me so long." Her heart was aching and she had felt heaviness around her all day; why didn't the hurt ever go away? She'd spent decades trying to forget him, but the pain was just as fresh as though she had just left Gull Cottage.

"That doesn't make any sense. You didn't bother to change a thing when you wrote your book and I have been named on of the "Top Ten Romantic Characters of the 20th Century" by Romance Readers' Monthly. Their century may be off, but the sentiment is there. So what's the difference?"

He kept up with his press clippings? Great. As if his ego needed any more fuel. "The difference is intent. The book Captain is sincere and you are not."

"You doubted my sincerity?" He was floored; he thought he had been nothing but above board and honest with her. "Carolyn, I did everything I could to respect you and you pushed me away. Then you took my most cherished memories and shared them with the world."

"You're being over dramatic."

"Well at least you gave them the happy ending you denied us. Why did you do that?"

"Because no one would have bought the book with an unhappy ending." Blunt, but true. "And I didn't deny us anything, there was never any us to have an ending, happy or not."

"When did you become so good at denial? I know you had your issues with my being at the beginning, but I thought you came to terms with me as a part of your life. I thought if nothing else we would be friends, but instead you used me for your own purposes and profit. Then you have the nerve to tell me I used you. I loved you."

"How manipulative can you be?"

"Manipulative?"

"Yes, you choose now to say something you should have said years ago."

"I thought we were beyond words. It would have been inappropriate to say 'I love you' because you were struggling so much with you, me and our relationship. Saying 'I love you' to you then would have been manipulative because it would set you even more off-balance. Manipulative," he muttered in a disgusted tone. "You didn't want me to say 'I love you' then. You spent a lot of time hiding from me and from yourself. You're still hiding. You pass off the truth as fiction, denying me; denying yourself. You're afraid, Carolyn Muir. I don't know what happened to you that you turned into this stranger that I don't recognize. The Carolyn I knew and loved was strong, loving, smart and funny. Now you're just a shill to your own fame. What happened to you?"

She wiped away a few tears, "you happened to me."

"I still don't understand what I did that changed you so."

"Everything. You used me for your ghostly games and then shattered my heart. I always thought you must have had a lot of laughs with your spectral friends over me."

"I was never playing games with you Carolyn." He noticed her flinch. "And I have certainly never laughed at you. How could I have shattered your heart when you were the one who pulled away? You were the one who left. Don't blame me for your actions. Stop lying to yourself."

They were both silent for a while, Carolyn continued to wipe tears away.

"I still can't stand to see a woman cry."

"And I can't stand to cry so we're even." She turned away; hating herself for coming here. "We have to declare a truce for the weekend. I made promises to people and I can't leave now."

"No one is asking you to leave. If you leave again, it would be your choice to run.

I really had you figured out the night you moved in, didn't I? You really were afraid to stay."

"And you wouldn't admit that you wanted us to stay."

"At least I finally admitted that I wanted you to stay. Ironic, isn't it? Most people are scared of me due to reputation. Yet somehow I scared you more than I have ever scared anyone else. What are you so afraid of Carolyn?" He deliberately used Carolyn to gauge her reaction.

She turned around. "I am not afraid of you. I am here this weekend. If I were afraid of you I would have stayed in Philadelphia like a sane person."

"Yet you can't wait to leave again, get back to Philadelphia."

"It's my home, why shouldn't I want to be there?"

"Because you belong here."

"Oh no; no I don't. Tried that already, it didn't work."

"Worked fine until you got too afraid. What are you so afraid of Carolyn?" If he kept asking, maybe she would finally answer the question.

"Why do you think I am afraid of anything?"

"Because you keep running. "Why do you hate it when I call you 'Carolyn'?"

That was a change of direction she didn't see coming, she pulled back, "there doesn't have to be a reason; I just don't care for it. I'm tired; it's been a long couple of days. You wouldn't take it as a sign of fear if I went to lie down for a little while, would you?"

"I told you years ago that if you wanted to go I couldn't stop you."

"Oh thank you so much for your permission," and with that nasty bit of sarcasm she headed downstairs. She opened the door to her old room and got mad at herself for going there automatically. She shut the door and continued to Martha's old room to hopefully find some peace. That did not go well and her heart was aching. He had hit far too close to home on too many points. She was raw, she was hurting and she still didn't believe that he had ever been sincere no matter his protests to the contrary. She shut the door and cried herself to sleep.

The Captain was frustrated. She had accused him of being false. He examined his behavior toward her. He had a whole book he could consult on his behavior toward her; from her point of view. The book didn't back up her accusations. Women. He could have another hundred years and still never understand them. He had to get through to her. Somewhere buried under the fear and hurt was the Carolyn he still loved; and he only had this weekend to find her. There was no hope she would ever come back to Gull Cottage after this weekend was over. Yes, of course he would see her again someday, but he'd rather work this out now rather than waiting until after she died.

Carolyn awoke several hours later to see that night had fallen. The clock read 8:15 pm. According to this weekend's agenda that meant fanfic awards were currently being given out in the parlor. She hoped Candy covered for her. Overall she felt a little better than she did earlier. She'd said what needed to be said to the Captain and felt some of the weight had been lifted off her shoulders because of it. She still wouldn't categorize herself as happy, but she only had to get through the next two days before she never had to be near him again. Realizing she was hungry she made her way downstairs. She stopped by the parlor to see how the awards were progressing.

"Is your headache better, Mrs. Muir?"

"A little, but I have a feeling it will return momentarily. How are the awards going?"

"Rachel won "Best Romance" with her work entitled "Two Hearts, One Home". Susan won "Best Tearjerker" for "Forever Separated". Kathleen won "Best Hurt/Comfort" for "Shattered Heart/Grateful Heart". We still have to give out the "Best Comedy" and "Best Romantic Interlude" awards.

"Best Romantic Interlude", that was a category that defied the laws of physics she ruminated. Of course it had more entries than all the other categories combined. She even wrote a few herself figuring that she had more right to have some fun with this category than anyone else, not that she shared that information with anyone. All her entries were written under the screen name "BaysideCottageBabe".

She excused herself to the kitchen.

"Why am I not surprised to see you here? Shouldn't you be at Jonathan's?"

"I'd much rather stay here and annoy you."

"Always nice to succeed in one's goals." She pulled some sandwich ingredients out of the fridge. "What are you reading?"

"Entries for the "Best Romantic Interlude" award."

She almost dropped the bread. He must be joking, yes? He couldn't possibly be sitting there, calm as could be reading, there was no other word for it; smut. Of course he could, just to goad her.

"I'd much rather read your take on the subject."

"Not happening."

"You've written it, haven't you?"

"No!"

"Still lying, no matter. I must say Carolyn; I am shocked by some of what's been written. In my day most women never even heard of sex until they were married."

"How charmingly barbaric."

"Agreed. Still, there are some things I am reading in here that could only be experienced in the most expensive brothels; not that I would ever indulge in such…pastimes. "

"Oh no, of course not. Isn't it nicer for everyone that women aren't so sexually repressed anymore?" Was she really standing in the kitchen having a conversation about changing sexual mores with the Captain? And why wasn't it the least bit uncomfortable? Maybe she was still asleep and just didn't know it.

She sat down at the table to enjoy her meal.

"Carolyn, I consider myself a sophisticated man, but this story is making me blush."

He put the paper down. Something that made the Captain blush? She had to read this one. She tried to pull the paper over, but he put his hand on it to stop her.

"Really?"

He thought the better of it, seeing her blush would be twice the fun.

"Suit yourself."

"Thank you."

She started reading:

'_Yours' by BaysideCottageBabe_

"_I'm sure you know plenty of knots," Beverly cooed into the Captain's ear._

_He took a deep breath; his warm, sensuous voice whispered in her ear sending chills through her, "what is it about this that entices you?"_

"_Being totally and completely yours."_

_He found that thought enticing as well. He tied the silk scarf around her wrist. She sighed and sank into the bed. He tied her arm to the corner of the bed. His knowledge of knots was being put to use in a way he had never dreamed of before. He kissed the inside of her wrist then trailed his lips down her arm, slowly diagonally across her body; and all the way down her opposite leg. Grasping her foot he tied a scarf around her ankle and secured it to the bed. His hand gently traced its way up the inside of her leg, taunting her into whimpering…_

She stopped reading, she recognized the work; she wrote it, she should recognize it. How ironic that the Captain had had a chance to read 'her take' on the subject; and couldn't finish it.

The Captain was surprised. He'd expected her to blush and give up.

"I've read this one before, it's…imaginative," was her only comment.

"Read it before? That memorable, is it?"

That was a little too close; she picked up her dinner dishes and escaped to the sink. She shrugged, "Captain, there is so much of this type of story online that once you've read one; you've read them all."

"So you've read others of this kind?"

Damn.

She had to cover and cover quickly, "as a writer, reading the work of others expands one's horizons."

"I'd expand your horizons any day."

She rolled her eyes at him

"Don't be so cynical, Madam, I just meant that it has always been a great regret of mine that I could never sail around the world with you and show you all the exotic ports of call."

Carolyn wasn't buying that for one second.

There was that headache making a swift comeback. She sighed. This battle of wills was wearing her out; but she could still triumph over him, after all it was her book and she did have some power with the writing awards.

She cleared her throat and called, "Candy!"

Candy ran in from the parlor. He mother handed her the story, "This one wins."

"But mom, the voting ended last night."

"Well then give it some sort of special Captain and Carolyn's Choice Award." Damn it, she did not just say Carolyn instead of Beverly, did she? Judging from the Captain's smirking laughter she had. She gathered the rest of the stories up from the table and handed them to Candy, "take these away; I don't think SOME of us are mature enough to read them."

Candy was laughing on her way back to the parlor, which earned her a "don't you start, young lady," from her mother.

"I'm a 39 year old divorcee, mother, 'young lady' doesn't really work anymore," she shot back. Mom and the Captain flirting over smutfic, the weekend was definitely taking a turn for the better.

He continued smirking; her little slip-up was just what he was looking for. "But there is enough there to keep us busy for years."

Carolyn ignored him and went back to the sink to wash her dishes. The Captain was still laughing; she could see the spark in his eyes without even having to turn around.

"Stop smirking!"

"I haven't had this much fun in years. But I'll behave; even if you didn't want me to in that story."

She scoffed, "its fiction!" Her mind was racing; he'd meant 'you' in terms of the character Beverly in the story, yes? He couldn't have any idea she'd actually written it. He just couldn't.

He walked over and stood behind her, placing an arm on either side of her on the counter, effectively blocking her in. He leaned in to whisper in her ear, "Just for the record I do know many, many knots." He emphasized the second 'many'.

The mug she was holding slipped into the sink and shattered. She noted with great satisfaction that is was one of those hideous 'Two Hearts…" mugs.

"Mom, are you ok?" Came the call from the parlor.

"Fine dear, I'm going out for a long walk. Alone!" She had to get out of the house, clear her head. How had she lost control of the situation?

"Aren't you going to pick up the shards?" He asked so innocently, moving away from her.

"You pick up the shards!" And she stormed out of the house. The Captain had a very smug grin on his face. "Progress," he thought; "progress."


	3. Chapter 3

Saturday, September 25, 1999

Saturday dawned bright and clear, the New England autumn regaling its visitors with bursts of dazzling colors. At one time in her life Carolyn would have delighted in the beauty. Of course at that time she would have enjoyed the fall colors by taking a walk along the road accompanied by an invisible companion. She sighed. Why was he usually the first thing she thought about in the morning and the last at night?

At least Friday was over with. Now she just had to get through Saturday and Sunday. She tried not to think about the events on the agenda for the next two days. Fortunately, most of Saturday would be spent exploring Schooner Bay. The evening event: The Captain's Garden Party. Whose bright idea was that, she mused? Hers, she guessed as she was the one who put it in the stupid book. Paper lanterns, a gazebo and period costumes, she was not looking forward to it. She got dressed and went downstairs to find the Captain and Candy chatting at the kitchen table.

"Morning mom."

"Good morning, Candy." She couldn't ignore the Captain, much as she wanted to. "Captain," was the best she could do to acknowledge his presence.

"Good morning Mrs. Muir," he answered far too cheerfully for her liking. "What a beautiful morning."

"If you say so."

"I take it you didn't sleep well?"

"I slept just fine, thank you."

"Glad to hear it."

She really wasn't up for this today. She wasn't sure what he was up to, but whatever it was it couldn't be good. For his part the Captain had decided that it was time for elegant manners to return. He would, if one would excuse the expression, kill her with kindness.

Carolyn ate her breakfast by the sink; she noticed someone had cleaned up the shards of the mug. She didn't really care who had done it and she wouldn't give him the satisfaction of asking. Candy just rolled her eyes at her mother trying to distance herself.

"If you ladies will excuse me, I will leave you to your day of shopping and see you at the party tonight."

Carolyn turned to face him, "you're going to attend?" Of course he would, how could she have ever thought otherwise?

"The schedule does say 'The Captain's Garden Party'; it would be remiss of me not to be there to host."

Candy smiled; it was nice to see the Captain and her mom matching wits again in any form.

"I must admit that chapter was one of my favorites. It explained so much. Although I found it a little odd that according to everyone else's point of view I was dancing alone."

"You didn't seem to mind at the time."

"I'm sure I didn't."

Damn, she'd set him up too easily for that one.

"And so close to kissing you, what a shame."

She leaned back against the counter and shook her head. "It was just a medicine induced hallucination, no bearing on reality."

"There's always tonight's party. Who knows what might happen then?" He blinked out leaving Carolyn bewildered. Heaven only knew what he had planned for tonight. She took a great leap in admitting something to herself; she was terrified.

Saturday Night

The Captain had once said that women's fashions of the 19th century were feminine. Loathe as she was to admit it, she agreed with him on that point. There was something about a ball gown that transformed the everyday into a mystical delight. No one else would know this, as she described the dress differently in the book; but she indulged herself by having this gown made to replicate the dress she was wearing in the dream. It was silly of her, really; she argued with herself about it during its construction and up to this very moment. Maybe she should just wear something else. That wasn't really a viable option as she had nothing else to wear. There was a moment of clarity in her mind that stomped out all other thoughts: she wanted to wear the dress. Resigning herself to this truth she descended the stairs to the festivities.

The party planners did a good job recreating, or would that be, creating the dream world. It was all there, the gazebo, the orchestra, the paper lanterns, the waltzing couples. The moon would just happen to be full tonight too she noted with some consternation. She hadn't seen the Captain yet, but that didn't mean he wasn't there.

Jonathan was there, more for the fact that his wife, Amanda, wanted an evening out than for anything else. He greeted his mother cordially, if not warmly. His daughter however threw her arms around her grandmother. "You look so pretty, grandma."

"Thank you, dear; you look very pretty too." Carolyn took her granddaughter by the hand and led her to the dance floor. They twirled around, laughing and soaking in the atmosphere.

Unbeknownst to Carolyn, the Captain was indeed nearby and seeing all of this. Not only did he agree with Jennifer's assessment of her grandmother's beauty; he was reflecting on the adoration between grandmother and granddaughter. He thought she was just as beautiful a grandmother as she had been a mother. Carolyn clearly adored her granddaughter and nurtured her the way she had her own children. Seeing them together reminded him of the brief moment of time they were all at Gull Cottage. He'd watch her hug the kids, enchanted by maternal displays of affection. He was just as enchanted with the new generation.

The party goers were all enjoying the evening's entertainment. A strange thought strayed across Carolyn's mind, she wondered if it would have been like this. If she had been alive in the Captain's time, if they had been married and were hosting this party together. What would it have been like to greet their guests? To welcome them to their home? She almost felt married to him at the moment, and it was a nice feeling. She missed him. She shook the thoughts from her head; she wasn't even sure where that idea had come from. It was 1999, he was dead, she wasn't; and they were very much on the outs. Same old story.

Claymore picked up her hand and kissed it. She knew it wasn't Claymore though. It was page 237 come back to haunt her, there was just no other word for it. Her suspicions were confirmed when the Captain's voice asked her to dance. She said no.

"Coward. Funny, isn't it? You once called me that." That stung, but she wouldn't admit it. "Just one dance, Carolyn, let me make a dream come true for you."

"It was a medicine induced hallucination."

"Regardless, I don't think it's fair that you should have that memory and I don't."

"Mrs. Muir, if you are going to dance, you have to dance to the music in the book!"

Panic jumped into Carolyn's eyes, "no, no I really don't."

The music changed and Carolyn knew her fate was sealed. Claymore took her hand and led her to the dance floor. If she just focused on a point beyond him she'd get through the next few minutes.

She waltzed stiffly in his arms, never making eye contact. She tried not to notice the arm around her waist; constantly reminding herself that according to everyone standing by (and there were many guests standing by watching them) she was dancing with Claymore. It would have been easy to maintain this charade had the Captain decided to remain quiet. Of course he wouldn't make it easy for her. He'd compliment her dress or comment on the party and each time he did she closed her eyes trying to shut him out. It didn't work as his voice was one of his greatest assets of seduction. At least she had the sense to keep that out of the book. He'd never shut up if he knew the power his voice had over her.

Carolyn wished the dance over. He was too close, too in control. She wanted to run. Really, the party guests wouldn't think it too odd if she went running down the road, would they? Yes, they probably would; so there went that idea. The song continued and Carolyn was lost for a moment remembering their dream waltz. She'd been so happy to be in his arms, it had been such a disappointment to wake up. She shook the memory away, reminding herself of the current reality. This was torture, she wondered if the orchestra was playing an extended version of the song because it seemed never-ending.

She was losing what was left of her mind. Her focus kept changing as they circled the floor. One moment on the house, the next into the darkness over the bay, then to the party guests; it was dizzying. She hoped the cacophony of emotions swirling inside of her was not displayed on her face or manner.

The Captain did notice Carolyn's turmoil play over her face throughout the dance. If he could find that loose brick he could pry it out and the walls that Carolyn had built around herself over the years would come crashing down. For so long he had gone over every moment with her; trying to figure out why their relationship had changed so abruptly. What had he done; if anything, that turned her against him? Was she just never able to come to terms with their being in two different worlds? He wanted answers, and the book was mute on that subject as Beverly never pushed her Captain away.

It was difficult to dance with a partner who didn't particularly care to dance. He could feel how tense she was, and no matter what he said, she wasn't becoming any more at ease throughout the waltz. He enjoyed what he could. Ever since he'd read this scene in the book he'd wanted to create it. In fact, he was the one who suggested to Claymore that this party be on the agenda.

The music ended and Carolyn felt she was being released from a cage. The Captain let her go and picked up her hand to kiss it again. She wanted to pull away, "that didn't happen in the book or the dream."

"I'm improvising. Would you prefer I try to recreate the dream?"

"No!" she blushed and let him kiss her hand. "Thank you for the dance, Claymore." She turned to leave the dance floor, but her hand was grasped.

"You should let your partner escort you off the floor."

"I can handle a few steps by myself, thank you."

"Propriety dictates…"

"Fine." The more they stood here and argued about it, the longer it would take for her to get away from him. And she had to get away from him; she could feel her heart crying out to her, begging her to finally put an end to the charade she had been living for the past 30 years. She answered it as she always did, by repressing and ignoring it. That didn't mean the tears wouldn't fall though. They reached the end of the dance floor and the Captain let go of her hand. She turned away, not really sure where to find privacy or solace.

Jennifer came running up to her and she took the opportunity to hug her.

"That was so pretty grandma!"

"Thank you, dear." She held her tighter, hoping that if she closed her eyes hard enough she could hold back the tears. It wasn't working. She led Jennifer back to Jonathan who noted that she was surreptitiously wiping away tears. He knew he should feel sorrier for her than he did; but he reasoned it was her own fault. She left the family and headed down to the beach. Several party goers noticed she was upset and tried to stop her, but she waved them all away leaving them confused and worried.

She felt weak; she knew the Captain was watching her fall apart no matter how much she tried to hide it. She berated herself for not being able to hold it together. She finally reached her favorite rock to on the beach. It had always been her place for solitude and tonight it once again served as a backdrop as she burst into familiar tears. This weekend was too much; it was more traumatic than she thought it would be, and that was saying something because she thought it would be very difficult.

She cried herself out and noticed she wasn't alone on the beach. Of course he would follow; she knew privacy was a foreign concept to him. She noted he was wearing the dress uniform. Just what she needed. Her emotions in a mess and him nearby trying to right a past wrong.

"I know I am the last person you want to see right now."

She didn't answer.

He came closer.

She looked out over the bay.

"I'm a big girl; I don't need anyone checking up on me, thank you."

"Maybe I needed to check on you for my own peace of mind."

"Your peace of mind?"

"Yes, do you think I don't worry about you?"

"I don't need you to worry about me."

"But I do whether you need me to or not."

She continued to stare out over the bay. She didn't want to think about him still caring enough about her to worry.

"Why am I even here? I shouldn't have come."

"I'm glad you're here."

That caused her to close her eyes to ward off more tears and grasp her arms more tightly around herself effectively cutting him off from getting too close.

"Carolyn…" this caused her to wince, "I'd just like to know the answer to one question and then I will leave you alone."

She looked up at him, wary as to what this could entail; but let him continue.

"What was it? What was it that turned you away from me? There had to be something and I have spent the last 30 years trying to figure it out to no avail."

"It was just time to go."

"That's what you said then and I don't believe it any more now than I did then. And I am not talking about when you physically left. I am talking about a few months before that when you mentally left me."

He would have to make that distinction, wouldn't he?

"What did I do? What didn't I do? I'd really like to know. I thought…" he hesitated not sure how much honesty she could handle right now; or if she would continue to think he was being insincere. He decided to press on as he had lost what was most important to him 30 years ago, so there was nothing to lose now, "you were precious to me. When you left I…" he decided not to finish that thought, it was bringing too much back to him that he'd rather not revisit.

Carolyn found a very interesting bit of lichen on the rock and picked away at it. He deserved some sort of answer, but she wasn't sure she could face this now any more than she could in the past.

"I…," she trailed off. Well, that wasn't a good start. "I don't know what to say to you. I told you yesterday what was going through my mind when I left."

"You told me what you convinced yourself of, you didn't tell me the truth."

Now she was angry, she stopped fiddling with the lichen and faced him. "Stop trying to find some truth that doesn't exist."

"Carolyn, your book was not written by someone who believed what you told me yesterday."

"Writers have the ability to distance themselves from their writing."

"The best ones don't. The best ones pour their heart and soul into their writing and that's what you did. It is not possible that your book connected with so many people by being soulless. You tapped into something that people wanted to hear. A story about two people who shared a love that transcended time and even death."

She got up from the rock and started walking away. He followed.

"What was it Carolyn, what happened?"

She turned and walked the other way to get away from him. He followed.

"Do you think I am just going to let you walk away again without an answer?"

She gave up.

"I don't know what you expect me to tell you."

"The truth. Stop lying to me. Stop lying to yourself. "

She felt cornered. "I have nothing to say other than good night."

She could see the pain in his eyes at this statement, and that sent a dagger through her own heart; but she still could not confront what else her heart held. She backed up, turned away, and headed up to the house, slipping in the side door to avoid the party.

The Captain had run out of options. He watched her leave, sad that he didn't know how to get to her to talk to him anymore. He made a silent vow, "someday we'll work this out, Carolyn. If you want to wait until your own afterlife, then fine, I can be patient. I had hoped we'd settle things sooner, spend more time being happy, but if you want to continue to live in fear, then this is the way we'll play it."

Alone in her room Carolyn felt more empty than ever. Once again she'd run from him. Why was she so unable to say, 'I love you, Daniel' to him? She used to try to practice it, but the words just never came out. She never could face her own feelings, so she lived in silent agony.

She looked down at her dress and toyed with the lace. It had been beyond foolishness for her to have this dress made. Once it reminded her of treasured moments; now she just saw it as a pathetic attempt to live a life that could never be lived. Suddenly she felt like a wallflower; alone, forgotten, ignored. Her heart wanted to love, but reason and reality kept her heart so well hidden that even she didn't know if she could ever find it again. She resigned herself to a long night and took some comfort in knowing that tomorrow she would be going home.

She just had to get through that one event on the agenda for Sunday; Rebecca's wedding. That shouldn't be a minefield of trauma, now should it? She'd been astounded over the years by the number of photographs she received from couples who had a "Ghost and Mrs. Matthews" theme wedding; each one seeming to taunt her own inability to make such a commitment again. At least Rebecca assured her that she and her groom would be foregoing the dress uniform and hoop skirt.

Rebecca had earned her respect when she'd written her telling her that "The Ghost and Mrs. Matthews" had given her the strength to love again after her first husband had been killed by a drunk driver. Even though her own husband hadn't died that way and she had two children when Rebecca had none, the parallel was enough so that she felt a kinship to her. This was an impact on a life that made her proud she had written the book. So tomorrow she would smile as best she could for Rebecca, being happy that someone had conquered their fears and was embarking on a new path of happiness in their life.

It was going to be a long Sunday.


	4. Chapter 4

Sunday, September 26, 1999

Sunday brought another beautiful day to Schooner Bay. Carolyn was happy for Rebecca; truly she was, if she were being honest with herself she might even admit to being a little jealous. That's only if she were being honest, which she wasn't. Carolyn had been suppressing her feelings for so long they required the mental equivalent of the Hoover Dam to keep them out of her conscious mind.

It was a relief to her that this weekend was finally coming to an end. She could put Gull Cottage and the Captain behind her today once and for all. A half formed thought about denial and a river in Egypt floated through her head which just made her angry as she pushed it away.

Still a little disconcerted from last night's confrontation, she decided that packing would be a good distraction. She created a "seven hours until I leave for Philadelphia" mantra to help ease the pain. The problem was that a little stream of consciousness had broken through that Hoover Dam and kept persistently arguing, "I want to stay". She did her usual little Dutch boy imitation and gathered her wits for the day to come.

She went downstairs to join the wedding festivities. Many Ghosties were staying for the wedding and they continued to ask questions, "Mrs. Muir, where did the kiss happen?" had to be the most troublesome.

Yes, that was something she really wanted to think about. "I'd always imagined it someplace over there," and she waved in the opposite direction of where the kiss actually took place. Some memories were too personal to share, even if they were seen as fiction by most.

She was almost relieved when the wedding started. She wondered if the Captain was attending, but she certainly wasn't going to turn around and look for him. He was attending, standing on the porch, watching her.

White chairs had been placed on the dance floor, the wedding itself would take place in the gazebo. Between the perfect weather and the view over the bay even she had to admit it was a beautiful place for a wedding. She idly wondered where she would marry the captain, then wondered where that thought had come from. There was really only one answer to that question, in front of the fireplace in the parlor. The same place she had chosen for the wedding in the book. She closed her eyes to banish that thought, why was she even thinking about something that was never going to happen?

The guests rose to greet the bride, she typified bliss as she almost floated down the aisle. Carolyn smiled as the joy emanating from Rebecca could not be denied. She reached her groom and the guests returned to their seats. The ceremony started and Carolyn did her best to keep the tears away, she didn't quite succeed; but as this was a wedding at least she had a good cover. The Captain had stayed invisible and in the background, he could have watched the ceremony from anywhere, but he wanted to give Carolyn some privacy.

She tried to share in the joy of the moment. Somewhere inside her existed a woman who remembered happiness and was not this decrepit shell of her current experience. If she could find that woman as a result of this wedding, then all she had gone through this weekend would be worth it. She would have a piece of herself back. Today was a day to toast triumph over tragedy and she was going to be part of that.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife," brought Carolyn back to the reality of the moment. She rose to watch the happy couple walk down the aisle together to their future. The guests filed out of the wedding to the receiving line. Carolyn hugged Rebecca, wishing her every happiness, then quietly slipped off to the beach; hoping no one would follow her. She had made it through the event she was most dreading. The whole weekend had been a minefield, and now the worst was over; she could relax and enjoy the rest of the day. As soon as she wiped away all the tears that were rolling down her cheeks against her will.

The Captain appeared on the beach to check on her, "I thought you might like some cake."

"Have they already come to that part?"

"Yes, you have been here for quite some time."

"Have I? I hadn't noticed."

"I thought not, hence the cake. You must be hungry."

She was surprised to discover that she was, so she thanked him and accepted the cake. The cake even tasted good and not like sawdust. She'd made a habit to avoid weddings over the years to keep herself out of the roller coaster of emotions she'd experienced today. She ate the cake and stared out over the bay. Silence reigned between them. There didn't seem to be a topic that wasn't some sort of battlefield.

"I'll leave you to your thoughts," he finally managed to say. She looked up to tell him to stay, but he was gone. She suddenly felt very lonely. And old. Most mornings when she looked in the mirror she wondered who the old person was looking back at her. The more she looked at her life, the more she didn't like. Seeing so much youthful happiness today just brought home to her how very long ago it was that she was a bride. The fact that she had even been a bride was so lost to her in the mists of memory that she could barely even acknowledge the fact. It was as if her whole life with her husband had been lived by someone else. It was a sobering thought and it just brought to the forefront that she had lived most of her life without someone to share in the for better or worses.

"Mom?"

How had Candy managed to sneak up on her, she wondered.

"Mom, Rebecca and Brian are about to leave. She'd like to see you. Should I make your excuses?"

"No, people have been making excuses for me long enough; let's go." She pulled herself up and linked her arm with her daughter's for strength. Candy didn't say anything, just picked up the cake plate and fork and walked. They reached the gate of Gull Cottage, Carolyn forced a smile. Pushing through the gate she greeted Rebecca as Candy handed off the cake refuse to another guest.

"There you are Mrs. Muir; I wanted to thank you again for everything." She hugged Carolyn. "I want you to have this in gratitude for giving me the strength to love again." She placed her wedding bouquet into Carolyn's arms. Carolyn started to protest, but was stopped by Rebecca, "Please, it would mean so much to me; I don't want anyone else to have it." Carolyn nodded; defeated, she didn't want to accept this; especially not with the Captain standing right next to her, and he had been right next to her from the moment she came through the gate, but the look in Rebecca's eyes made her stop. Rebecca didn't have to know what a hypocrite she was. So she said thank you, smiled and waved as the horse drawn carriage pulled away carrying the bride and groom off to their honeymoon.

The second the carriage was out of sight she thrust the bouquet into Candy's hands.

"I should finish packing," she said decisively. Both Candy and the Captain followed her, worried about her state of mind.

"I don't need any help." She said her goodbyes to the wedding guests and made her way into the house. Sometimes she wondered if she had died and no one bothered to tell her, that's how disconnected she felt to the joy in the world. More of an observer than a participant, haunting the events of life, but not really experiencing them.

Carolyn reached the staircase, gripping the rail for strength; hoping the weakness didn't show to the two hovering sentinels that had followed her into the house against her wishes. She resented their intrusion and refused to acknowledge them. She ignored them and forced herself step by step to her room. She had packing to finish. Her pride would not allow her to break down in front of them.

Finally reaching her room, she shut the door behind her. Candy and the Captain were not far behind her, they stood outside waiting for the inevitable breakdown. At least they hoped it was inevitable, they had both grown weary of the misery.

A few moments later the door did open. "If you are going to smother me, you could at least make yourself useful," she addressed Candy, "has Claymore returned yet with the car?"

"I don't know, mom," Candy said in a small voice, her eyes sad for her mother.

"What is it, Candy?" her mother demanded.

"Nothing."

"Then would you please check on that so we can leave."

"Yes mom."

Carolyn walked back into the room and shut the door. Candy's heart broke for her mom and the Captain. She started crying, her mom had completely ignored the Captain and was determined to leave him again.

"Candy, don't."

"I'm sorry Captain, it's just so very, very wrong. I guess my expectations of this weekend were too high. I thought being back here would trigger something in her, but she's just angrier than ever."

"There's no pushing your mother into any decision, Candy; you know that."

"I know, I just hoped…" she shrugged. The Captain had no words of comfort.

Carolyn's ability to hold herself together was surprising even to her. Inwardly she felt close to shattering into a million pieces. Her soul was crying, her heart was screaming for her to acknowledge the truth of her being. She was close to falling into an abyss of pain caused by her own betrayal of the core of her being. She closed the suitcase, feeling the finality of departure come over her. She was saying goodbye to Gull Cottage forever. She could do this, but why did it have to hurt so much?

She paused for half a moment. The pain disappeared as she allowed herself to feel the love she had suppressed, denied and ignored for so long. It was so strong even to this day. She wondered how it could have survived for so long after having been so starved. It sent chills through her. She burst into tears and crumbled to the floor.

Candy and the Captain returned from their fool's errand to hear the sobs.

"Finally," was Candy's relieved response as she opened the door. The pathetic sight that greeted her filled her with compassion. "Oh mom," she whispered as she walked over to the sobbing heap that was her mother and gathered her into her arms. She held her as she continued to sob, rubbing her back and rocking her as the waves of grief came over her. The Captain brought over a box of tissues, worry showing on his forehead and in his eyes.

After a long while she began to calm. She dried her tears, but continued to cling to Candy. "He was right you know." It was easier for her to pretend the Captain wasn't there. "He said I was a coward and a fraud. Can you imagine how my stock would plummet if any of the guests this weekend knew the truth? Rebecca would lose all respect for me. I could barely look her in the eye at all today. And then she hands me her bouquet? That's rich. Karma really is a bitch, isn't it, Candy?"

Knowing that this question was most indeed rhetorical and not wanting to interrupt her mother now that she had started talking, Candy wisely kept her mouth shut.

"Irony is truly the spice of life, isn't it? You run from something it will always find a way to catch up with you; smack you in the face like you are a gnat on the windshield of life. God, it hurts so much. So much for so long. I'm so used to living with the ache that I just accept it as being part of who I am like my thumb or a toenail or something. Good morning heartache, how are you today? The same, and you? The same; alone."

Candy was starting to worry about her mom's mental health.

"And of course I have no one to blame but myself. No one. Ran out. Couldn't handle it. Coward." Self recrimination was running high today. The Captain wanted to put his arms around her and comfort her; but he reflected ruefully that one of their major issues was his inability to do that in the first place.

Another wave of love overcame her, too much too late she thought.

"Mrs. Muir? Mrs. Muir?" came Claymore's cry from the foyer. The Captain went down to send him away.

"He's gone mom, you're safe to say anything you want to."

"There's nothing to say. It's too late and it's time to go."

"It's not too late, mom."

"I loved him Candy. I loved him so much."

"I know, mom."

"Was it that obvious?"

"Yes, for a long time you didn't try to hide it, and it's also written on every page of the book."

"It's fact, Candy. All I ever wished for is in that book. He used to think I was strong. That's what he said he liked about me from the 'moment I walked through the door'. He was always so adamant about that. And so wrong. I could never even say the words he deserved to hear. I fought everything I felt for him for so long. I thought it would be easier after we left. Out of sight, out of mind, you know? Candy knew, her ex-husband was a textbook example of that behavior.

The Captain had returned, making no secret of his presence.

Carolyn continued, "I gave them the happily ever after we could never have; it was the only way I could cope. It was as if I gave them the joy I craved I could somehow experience it for myself. And there is a little bit of that that came true. I like to think that somewhere in the ethers there was a Carolyn who found her courage and didn't run from the greatest gift one person can give another. I always wondered what his thoughts were on that," it was still easier for her to pretend he wasn't there. It wasn't so easy to pretend when he sat down beside her and gently answered her pondering.

"I could never reconcile what I read with your actions, it never made sense to me. I've read that book cover to cover so many times I must have it memorized. I know where your writing deviates from fact; but I have yet to figure out what happened that caused two such widely divergent stories; the truth that we deal with today and the fiction that makes millions of readers happy."

"I didn't put everything into the book. Am I allowed no secrets?"

"Not if you want to be happy, mom." There was a truth to that statement that startled Carolyn. She knew her daughter was correct, she just wasn't sure she could be this vulnerable or even where to start to explain this. She was quiet for almost too long. Candy was starting to worry that her mom would once again turn away. The Captain was concerned about the same thing.

Finally, she settled on one word, "Carolyn."

It was little more than a whisper. The Captain and Candy exchanged puzzled looks. Why was she suddenly referring to herself in such a fashion?

"That one word turned my life upside down and I've yet to come to terms with it. That was the day I felt everything come crashing down. You ambushed me."

He was bewildered. He remembered the day distinctly, he'd wanted the action to move them closer together, but it had the opposite effect, he still had no idea why.

"Do you remember? You took advantage of your state of being invisible and I couldn't react as we were surrounded by others. I felt like you were toying with me – saying something so intimate at a moment when I couldn't react in any way.

He was still at a loss, "but all I did was call you 'Carolyn', it was a step I had wanted to take for quite some time. I was concerned about its being appropriate or not. If you felt it wasn't you could have just told me. I wouldn't have crossed that line again if you had told me to stop. You didn't have to leave."

"You're missing the point. You stood there in that dress uniform trying to move us into a deeper relationship. You didn't give me a chance to be a part of the decision. And you were playing, you never had to follow through on a commitment."

"I have been committed to you from the moment we met."

"Stop. You're doing it again," her anger was returning. She'd been through this in her head over and over again for the past 30 years; nothing could be said now to change the past and there was still no future for them. She pulled herself out of Candy's arms and tried to get out of the house. She didn't get very far as she found Jonathan and his family had arrived to say goodbye to her.

Seeing the look on her mother-in-law's face, and the fact that the Captain and Candy were closely following her as she blazed down the stairs, Amanda quickly took Jennifer out for a long walk on the beach. She hoped Carolyn was finally coming to terms with bridging the distance of an inter-dimensional romance. She remembered the day that Jonathan introduced her to the Captain and her realization that most of "The Ghost and Mrs. Matthews" was fact and not fiction. It had broken her heart, she felt so sorry for both of them.

Candy called out to her mother as she was trying to run away again. This scene in the foyer had played out badly the first time and she wasn't going to let that happen again. "Mom, if you leave now, you leave by yourself. I am staying here. For the longest time I have felt an obligation to you because I could see your pain; but it's a pain of your own making and I won't enable you anymore. You want to leave again, then go. This whole weekend I have done nothing but worry about your state of mind. Why? Why should I keep being at your beck and call?"

"You're an adult, free to make whatever decisions you wish. I never asked you to babysit me."

"Not in so many words, no. But take a good look at your life, mother; what do you have? An estranged son, a granddaughter whom you rarely see, a daughter who tries to help, but can't; and tons of money. I hope the money comforts you because you have nothing else that can."

"Will you stop about the money. I didn't write the book for money. I didn't even plan to have it published. Kevin saw it at the house one day and wanted to read it. Who knew he'd actually want to publish it? I thought maybe ten people would read it and it would disappear. I never expected all of this. She picked up another hideous mug and threw it against the wall, the sound of it breaking was very satisfying to her. And that's another thing Claymore, this," she motioned around to all the merchandise scattered in the foyer, "stops. Enough is enough. It was just something I started writing for...", she paused here, not really sure she wanted to delve into this.

"For what, mother?" Candy wasn't letting her off the hook so easily.

Carolyn was exasperated. "I don't know."

"Liar. You've been lying to yourself for 30 years and we are all so tired of it."

"Then what do you want me to tell you, Candy?"

"The truth. You've always accused me of over-romanticism, but I am not the one who had the Captain and Beverly's wedding ring made."

Carolyn stared up at her daughter on the staircase, her face flushed with a mixture of anger and embarrassment. It was certainly no secret to anyone in this room that she had had that ring made decades ago. Carolyn was certain that the morning she'd mistakenly worn it to breakfast a letter was composed to the Captain and sent off as swiftly as the mailman could carry it. If Candy could have gotten away with a phone call to Gull Cottage she was sure she would have tried. It was a mistake that she knew would come back to, well, haunt her, one day.

Carolyn was definitely the center of attention; her eyes remained locked with Candy standing on the staircase, blocking any exit back to her room. The Captain stood by the door to the parlor. Jonathan and Claymore were standing near the door to the kitchen. The front door was unguarded; if she wanted to leave the way was not barred. Her words to her daughter were cold and hard, "You've wanted to bring that up for 20 years, haven't you? That was a low blow."

"I've wanted you to be happy for longer than that. You've tried all your other options; why not come back to where you were happy?"

"There is no going back, Candy. You can't put an egg back into its shell, once it's broken, it's gone. Finished. It's time for me to go." With that she turned around and went outside, but there was no more fight left in her, she was defeated. She closed the front door behind her and leaned against it. It was so quiet outside, the wedding guests and caterers had long departed. She looked over to her right and some wretched part of her managed to get her to walk over and lean against the porch rail. She was worn out, beyond tears at this point; just exhausted.

She couldn't say she was very surprised when she heard the Captain behind her, "why do you persist in leaving?"

"What other option is there?"

"Staying."

"Staying?"

"Staying. The act of remaining where you are."

She almost smiled and a little fissure healed in the recesses of her heart. She turned the idea over in her head but found she couldn't understand why he would make such a statement. He couldn't actually still care for her, could he? It wasn't possible. She'd made her choice decades ago. Living with the consequences hadn't been easy, but that was the price she'd paid for her fear.

Maybe she was finally to the point where the pain was greater than the fear,

"I could never touch you, I could never hold you. I couldn't stand it anymore. I thought if I just pushed you away it would be all right. I'd just pretend you weren't there. It didn't work; I just got jealous that you and the kids were having such a good time without me. I had to leave because I was so lonely here. I thought that with some distance it would be easier, that I'd get over you...move on. It just never worked. "

He remained quiet, this honesty was too delicate to intrude upon.

"Don't you know you have the world's sexiest voice?" This did surprise him. "And you stood right next to me and whispered my name. Not "Mrs. Muir", not "Madam", not even "Darling or My Dear". "Carolyn. You said, 'Carolyn' and it sent a thrill through me that I hadn't felt ever before and haven't felt since. And it just brought into sharp focus that we were doomed from the moment we met. We would always be so close, but so far away. I finally looked at the truth of us and what I saw..." she became quiet for a while, trying to piece together the remnants of her heart. "I used to think that loving you was the easy choice; no matter what, you weren't going to die and leave me. Then I thought that I was running from life by loving you. 'Don't risk your heart again Carolyn, keep it somewhere safe,' I'd tell myself. But my heart was always in peril, well, that's a rather dramatic way of putting it; but my heart wasn't any more safe in loving you than it was in loving any mortal man."

He'd listened very attentively to all of this, relieved that he finally had the answer to the question that had most plagued him. He had to be very careful now, she was raw and hurting; one wrong word and she would be back in Philadelphia before he could even say goodbye. Calling her Carolyn was definitely out.

"Come home, you've been lost at sea for too long. "

Home? He couldn't be serious.

"We do have an option that you turned away from; there are no limits in a dream world."

"But that's just it, it's just a dream."

"Don't discount an alternate form of reality. The kids are grown and you don't need to make any more money. What's to stop us from fully exploring another dimension?"

He did have a point. She finally turned toward him, "now? I'm old now."

He laughed, "Darling, I am well over 150 years old; so you see, I am still robbing the cradle."

She laughed, starting with just a smile but building into a release of joy that she hadn't felt in decades. His ability to make her laugh had always been something she treasured.

"Come home where you belong."

"There's no home here anymore, Claymore has desecrated it."

"So buy the house from him. What's more important to him anyway, the house or the money?"

"You think he'd part from his gold mine?"

"It was never his story in the first place. Maybe he played a peripheral role, but I believe that by this point he has been more than amply compensated for it. And wouldn't it be a nice use of the money from the book. Just think, we can spend the afternoon breaking all those awful mugs and dishes."

She grinned, a wicked glint in her eyes. "Let's go." They went back inside; Claymore took one look at them and knew he was toast. He had had the upper hand for too long. He could manipulate the Captain by using page 237. There was a time when he had power over Mrs. Muir by being her landlord; but against the two of them united he didn't stand a chance. And by what he currently saw in their eyes he knew that all the Captain had put up with for the past 30 years was about to come back and kick him in the butt.

She was blunt, "name your price for Gull Cottage; the house, the grounds, your tacky gift shop; all of it."

He might as well put up a little protest, "It's not for sale."

"Claymore," that growl came from his uncle.

If he high balled them, surely they would balk, "one million dollars." That may be a normal price for a house in some places of the country, but not in Schooner Bay.

Carolyn didn't even blink, "fine, I'll get my check book."

"I'll get it, mom." Candy was so ecstatic by the look in her mother's eyes when she came back into the house that she practically flew up the stairs. Everything was finally worked out and mom looked about 20 years younger.

Claymore was mad at himself for not asking $2 million as the price.

Jonathan finally saw his opportunity to speak, "how can you forgive her so easily? Just like that? Never mind the 30 years of hell she put all of us through?"

"Jonathan, I have nothing to gain by not forgiving her. And in terms of eternity, 30 years is less than the blink of an eye."

He still wasn't satisfied by this, "she tore out our hearts."

"Do you think I didn't I rip out my own heart? Do you know how many times I just wanted to throw us all in the car around and come racing back? How many times I cried myself to sleep? You and Candy had letters and phone calls and visits. I had nothing. It's no wonder I started writing. I had to deal with the pain somehow."

"How do I know you never read the letters?"

"They weren't letters to me; I never read one word. It was difficult enough that there were no letters to me, I wouldn't dream of reading anyone else's. And no, I never expected a letter; it was the fact that I couldn't expect a letter that hurt more than anything else. Don't you know that every time a letter arrived my heart would break a little more?"

Candy had returned, giving her brother a 'let it drop' look. Amanda had tried for years to get Jonathan to heal the rift with his mother; it had eventually become a topic not to be discussed.

The Captain had also tried to bring Jonathan and his mother back together through the years, so he continued that work today, "Jonathan, yes, there are still wounds to be healed. Today marks the return of your mother and the start of a new path. Don't carry your anger along with you. If you find that it's too difficult to be happy for your mother at the moment, then can you be happy for me?"

Jonathan sighed, resigned; his respect for the Captain brooked no argument. "I'll accept her back at Gull Cottage for your sake; but I have a lot more trouble with instantaneous forgiveness than you."

"Well, Jonathan, I have had a hundred more years or so to practice, give it some time, you'll get there." For some reason that made Jonathan laugh. Carolyn held out her arms to him and even though they still had some work to do to repair their relationship, he hugged her; then left to find his wife and daughter.

Carolyn made out the check to Claymore in record time, a feeling of peace and well-being came over her as she handed it to Claymore. Home, she was finally home. She looked up at the Captain and smiled. He smiled back. This is what happiness felt like she remembered.

"They don't even know the two of us are here, do they?"

"No," Candy sighed in return, "and that's the way it should be. C'mon Claymore, I need to find an apartment."

That tore her mother away from the Captain for a moment. "Aren't you going to live here?"

Candy looked at her incredulously, "three is definitely a crowd mother. And with 30 years of UST, we'll see you both in a month…or two."

"Candy!" Carolyn blushed as the front door shut, leaving them alone.

"UST?"

"Obviously you haven't spent enough time online, UST stands for Unrelieved Sexual Tension."

"Oh, do we have that?" He was teasing.

"In spades." She walked up a couple of steps. "It's been a long day; and I am…tired." She turned over her shoulder and the word 'coquettish' was invented for the look she was currently giving the Captain. "However, there's another genre of fic called RST."

"Relieved Sexual Tension, yes?"

"Most definitely, yes."

"I take it you don't want to spend the rest of the day breaking crockery?"

She stopped in the middle of the staircase and laughed wholeheartedly, she was laughing so hard she had to sit down. He sat down next to her. Eventually the joy she felt was revealed in her eyes; it was so wonderful to feel this way again. She looked into his eyes and said, "I love you, Daniel," and was amazed at how easily the words were expressed.

"I love you too, Carolyn." He leaned in to whisper in her ear, "It's all right to call you 'Carolyn' now, isn't it?" He placed special emphasis on the 'Carolyn'. She answered him with a fit of giggles. It was most definitely all right.

They smiled at each other again, enjoying the stars in each other's eyes and walked up the stairs together to their room.

Most definitely, their room.

In less than a month or two "The Ghost and Mrs. Matthews" parlor wedding became a reality, and Carolyn proudly wore her long cherished wedding band for the rest of her life.


	5. Chapter 5

Mid - November 1999

Carolyn was standing near the telescope, enjoying the moonlight reflecting off the serene water of the bay. She was thinking of how well the dream world option had been working for them when two strong silk enrobed arms circled her waist and held her firmly. A bearded face nuzzled her neck. She closed her eyes, reveling in the comfort and security. He would wear her favorite dressing gown she noted as she idly stroked those strong arms.

"Carolyn," he caressed into her ear. The thrill it sent through her shivered all the way down to her toes. "You've been home for almost two months and you still haven't confessed." He kissed the sensitive spot just below her ear.

"Hmm?" She was lost by this point and not really registering what he was saying.

He grasped her even more tightly to him. "The complete works of 'BaysideCottageBabe'".

Her eyes shot open. How could he possibly know about that? She tried to break free, but he wasn't letting go and she couldn't escape. Why was she suddenly so short of breath? She looked up at him; his eyes were almost feral with desire.

"That's quite an array of fantasies you posted online."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You're adorable when you're cornered."

She held her head high and looked out over the bay. He had no proof. None.

"_The_ _Captain__'__s_ _Quarters_, set in this very room," he kissed the nape of her neck; she tried to show no reaction to either the story title or the kiss, but didn't quite succeed. "_Below_ _Decks_, makes the thought of an around the world voyage with you even more intriguing." He kissed the exquisite juncture of throat and shoulder. For some reason, Carolyn went a little weak in the knees. "_Attic_ _Antics_, creatively uses Madeira in a most delightful fashion." He nibbled her earlobe.

She gasped.

"Shall I go on?"

She shook her head vehemently no. She acquiesced and leaned back against him, trying to catch her breath. She wanted to ask how he had found out, but never made it past the 'H' in "How?"

He had become quite adept at deciphering her breathless words. "How? Is that what you want to know?" He was teasing her with that remark. She nodded. "Jonathan has taught me a great deal about computers and with Amanda maintaining the official site it was very easy to check ISP addresses. You didn't know I was so computer savvy, did you?"

She shook her head and swallowed.

"You, my very dear Mrs. Gregg, are in a word, busted."

Busted, toast, seduced by her own words; all of the above she thought. And someday there were going to do a comparison experiment between 'Carolyn' and 'Mrs. Gregg' as the latter was quickly becoming quite a seductive term in its own right. Heaven forbid he ever try "Mrs. Carolyn Gregg", she might actually swoon.

"How many have you read?" She somehow managed to say.

"All of them," he waited a moment and added, "repeatedly."

She may have whimpered.

"I intend to make all of your fantasies come true."

Could she possibly blush anymore? She didn't think so.

"I am starting with 'Yours'. Your clever use of my knot tying skills has me intrigued; I never thought to employ them in the method you described so well."

She was flushed and thinking was a skill rapidly deteriorating. She looked up at him, "that one?" she managed to eek out, "you're starting with that one, why?"

"Because that coffee mug crashed so delightfully into the sink."

"You knew then? You lied!"

"You also lied."

There was a millisecond when she was level headed enough to realize that this was correct. They both wound up laughing, and then kissing.

He broke away and looked her straight in the eye. "Tell me, Carolyn, what is it about this that entices you?"

"Do you have all of my stories memorized?"

"Almost, but I am leaving room for improvisation."

That was an idea that sent her imagination into another realm. "I love you."

"I love you too. Still your line. Do you need a prompt?"

She placed a hand on his cheek, wanting to feel this connection, "yours, completely, totally; yours." It wasn't word for word and she stumbled over the 'completely', but he didn't mind the improvisation.

He kissed her intensely, simultaneously untying her robe and pushing it off her shoulders. It dropped; landing in an unheeded puddle on the floor. That night and many others were spent making all of their fantasies come true.


End file.
